saturday is my op and i'm crying like fuck now. anyway i wont have a chance to cry when my op is over or it'll definitely affect it. i hate my fucked up life now. everything is just in a mess. i dont know what i'm doing. i've shed enough tears and it just doesnt seem to end. the pain inside is getting worse as the days go by. i want to end all this and lead back my old life. i had enough of this crap. i'm just so sick and tired of sitting here waiting. i really regret every single thing. now i'm still deciding if i should carry on with the plans. maybe i should. that would be the last and after that, i'm gonna forget about everything. forget about some particular person. whatever you said. you left giving all sorts of excuses. and all those lies you've told. 2years?! i doubt you can do what you said before. i'm so tired of all this. i cannot take it easy cos i'm the one suffering here and no one gives a fuck. everything is okay to them. just because i talk normally doesnt mean anything. not everything can be forgotten in a night. you can take things easy but i cant! cos my feelings have been toyed. by you. someone whom i thought could make me happy. you know how i feel now? no one does. its just terrible. good thing work helps me keep my mind off everything. but everytime i stop working, i start thinking alot. so much that its hard to continue working. i nearly broke down during work today when i got ur msg. ahhh. forget it. no point anticipating. took quite some time before i decided to even ask you. cancelled my meeting with her cos she wanted to see me before my op. but all i thought of seeing was you. anyway you're busy with your stuffs so expected it. anyway wont want to bother you anymore. i'm gonna stop being irritating cos i know how it feels like. its like when you're done with this person, you totally dump them aside. however happy the person tries to make you, it wont have anymore effect on you cos the feeling is gone. i know what its like. i've done it and now i'm experiencing it myself. this is all retribution. i did it to her, now someone does it back to me. talking about her, i've hurt her so badly. i know how she feels. i'm in her position now. im able to tell the whole world anything and everything except being able to tell you. its hard to say it out to you. i just cant. i dont want you to have further problems troubling you. but its terrible to keep it all to myself. bearing all the pain alone but what else can i do. one thing i didnt tell you before.. you were partly the reason i wanted to leave her.. i thought with you, i could get my life straight. and one of the things her friend scolded me that time was that she wished "the guy would dump and hurt me" and when that happens, dont go running back to her. oh well. it did happen and its a lesson ive learnt..
anyway all the best for tomorrow.. hope you get selected. will always be praying for you.. and no matter what, will always be rooting for you in whatever you do..
thinking if i should password protect this blog. maybe i should..
bettina | 1:13 AM
