Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to
a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.
"Pfufffff, and he was also gone ......

The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm"

Moral of the story is: "Always allow the bosses to speak first"

Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."

Lesson II - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 20 years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient." "OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.

The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me. I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."

One day an evil witch took over the forest,
''One-by-one, all of you useless animals have to come up here and tell a joke... if everybody laughs, you will be spared... or else I'll cut off your head!''
The monkey went up first and told such a funny joke that all the animals laughed except fot a tortoise.. so the witch cut off his head.

Next, a giraffe went up and she, in turn told a joke that set all the animals off laughing... but still, the tortoise did not laugh...so the witch cut off her head.
Then, the rabbit went up... but before she could say a word, the tortoise started laughing...

''Why are you laughing you stupid tortoise?'' the witch asked.

“The monkey's joke was very funny...'' was the reply.

Stress Reliever # 1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done t he right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered.
"He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

Stress Reliever # 10
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
your name pls. " abdul aziz "
sex? " six times a week!! "
no, no, I mean male or female! "
doesn't matter, sometimes even camel!!! "

teacher: what do you want to become?
li'l Johnny: doctor !!
teacher: why?
lj: coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Our turn will come................

Ah Pek and Ah Ma were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then, you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed covers, got out of bed and walk away.

"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth lah!"

bettina | 6:46 PM